Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.