Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.