“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
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I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.