“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
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A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.