Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
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Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.