Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
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EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Where is your GOD now????
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*