Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
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Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Found my door mat
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?