Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

2 years later

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.