Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
You Might Also Like
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*