Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
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Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
my dad has had enough
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?