Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
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cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.