Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*