Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
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Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy