Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
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abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
A friend sent me this.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Welcome
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you