I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
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My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend