Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

That’s amazing.

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

They’re called werewolves.

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with