Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

Not😆🤣

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

I found your tweet-up…

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.