Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
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YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……