Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired