Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts