Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
happy valentine’s day to me
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
Always 🥴
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.