Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
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Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
🖤✌🏽
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.