Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.