Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

I think I’m having a stroke

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

😂😂

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.