Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

They’re on their honeymoon

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.