Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

A couple who are silly together stay together.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.