Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
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Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I ate everything, including the H.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Time heals everything 🙂
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling