Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
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Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time