dogs can find happiness so easily
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There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies