dogs can find happiness so easily
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Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
ouch
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.