dogs can find happiness so easily
You Might Also Like
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.