Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

🦝🔥🦝🔥

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

They’re not wrong

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.