Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

this is the news I live for

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.