Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

beware of dog

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

Happy Febuary everyone!

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen