Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body