Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
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[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
This guy gets it.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.