Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
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honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.