Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
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My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.