Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.