@HomeProbably

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

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@viciousbabydoll

This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.

@Reverend_Scott

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

@Scott_A_Gilmore

OK, time to put up the tree and spend the next six weeks scolding the cat for playing with the dangly remarkably-cat-toy-like ornaments.

@guskenworthy

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

@MensHumor

“It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” -Losers

@ShaneKnowsStuff

I don’t know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.

@causticbob

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

@Lottie_Poppie

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

@rustygunter

If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!