Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

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This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.


[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn


OK, time to put up the tree and spend the next six weeks scolding the cat for playing with the dangly remarkably-cat-toy-like ornaments.


nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…


“It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” -Losers


I don’t know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.


My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.


The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying


If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!