Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
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I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”