Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
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[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.