Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My dad is at it again
