Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
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After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
🖕🏻👽
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.