Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him