Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
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getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”