@PeaceInTruth1

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

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@ZingingCutie

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

@CatherineLMK

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

@Mr_Kapowski

Her: What do your tattoos mean?

Me: They’re statement pieces. Statement being “I’m an idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of my own body”

@sofarrsogud

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

@TheNYAMProject

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

@Adityaneut01

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

@TheBoydP

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

@blondecalamity

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

@shadygrenade

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

@thenatewolf

Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die

You: so you can’t watch that YouTube link?

Me: I’m saying it’s dangerous to even send them