If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
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Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Her: What do your tattoos mean?
Me: They’re statement pieces. Statement being “I’m an idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of my own body”
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die
You: so you can’t watch that YouTube link?
Me: I’m saying it’s dangerous to even send them