Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
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60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.