Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
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If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”