Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
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Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
do horses think humans are hats
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
this is me
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!