Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
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My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point