Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
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doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done