Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?