Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
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*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Spring of Deception
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins