Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
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I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.