Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

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If someone tells you they’re burning for you, toss a pitcher of water in their face.


Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that


I saw an alligator yesterday. At first I wasn’t sure and thought it could have been a crocodile. That is until I saw it later. Then I knew.


[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know


A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.


So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience


Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus


If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.