Dogs lick you because they love you.
Cats lick you to see if you’re delicious yet.
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(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
#Caturday
