Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.