Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
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Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.