Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
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“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
