Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

finally

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

May never get over this

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?