Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
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did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.