Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

S O O N

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”