Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.