Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
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you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.