Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here