Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
#Caturday
![]()
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
![]()
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.