Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
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young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…