Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
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My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors