Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
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dril cadence
black phone good
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
This could be us… but you playing
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.