Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*